OK, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand... no more. Every time
TV is on, all that can be seen are effeminate men prancing about,
redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style"
and "feng shui."
Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual,
non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have
taken over the urban and suburban world!
Real men of the world, stand up and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce
the start of a new offensive in the Culture Wars, the Retrosexual
movement.
The Code :
A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit
that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking
cigars and drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an
endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30
years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if
need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will
only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long
run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in
a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a
different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed
to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy
was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed
to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie --
and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you
can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are
riddled with fear. Guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL
WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexaul may cry, and
none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas.
Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of
release is swearing or throwing the remote control.
Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to)
death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this
case), loss of a major body part.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up
and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other
so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look
on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the
correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star
Spangled Banner.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they
offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged
or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, cigars, car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding
all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without
high-centering his ride in a snow bank.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he
wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but
any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE:
The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual
man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their
country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good
enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances
change or the other person deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes
in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.
Never in the history of minkind, have some many owed so much to so few.
I just can't figure out how stupid liberals must have been to allow him to even become a VP.
Recent Comments